Always strive to learn something useful. --Sophocles

Audrey and Michelle are going to be helping me pack my condo over the weekend, Michelle implied that I would supply quiche, so I wrote up a little "Real programmers don't eat quiche" reply. Audrey loved it, so I pulled out all the little phrases regarding programming that I've accumulated over the years. Some are rather dated as most of them were gathered before Visual programming languages and all this Windows passing fad nonsense.

Frightening, isn't it? :-)

Programmers are busy writing the next best idiot proof software. The universe, in the meantime, is busy making the next best idiot. The universe is winning.

1st Law of Computer Programming: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

2nd Law of Computer Programming: Any given program costs more and takes longer.

3rd Law of Computer Programming: If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4th Law of Computer Programming: If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5th Law of Computer Programming: Any program will expand to fill all available memory.

6th Law of Computer Programming: The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

7th Law of Computer Programming: Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

8th Law of Computer Programming: Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. (COROLLARY: A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it contains no bugs.)

9th Law of Computer Programming: Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, incontrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.

Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.

Documentation is the castor oil of programming: Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

Everyone's a programmer, but who's written anything? --Wayne Conrad

Profanity is the one language that all programmers understand.

Programmers get overlayed.

Programmers never get overlaid.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Real Programmers (women) don't like Unix.

Real Programmers adjust user specs to meet their own needs.

Real Programmers aren't ignoring you, they just don't hear you.

Real Programmers believe that the computer has been around since the dawn of man when Eve traded in her Apple for Adam's Wang.

Real Programmers can't remember the name and model of the car that they drive.

Real Programmers cannot tell time. In fact, their only concepts of time are "deadline" and "late".

Real Programmers cringe if you call them authors. A few actually get violent.

Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers do not ask users to "Press Any Key" or make any other gratuitous decisions.

Real Programmers do not have mid-life crises. Writing code that works is a perpetual crisis.

Real Programmers do their best work from 1-5 am.

Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.

Real Programmers don't do flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.

Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.

Real programmers don't document: if it's hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or Pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Real Programmers don't eat anything without a dangerously high sugar content.

Real programmers don't eat quiche, they exist entirely on Twinkies and Szechuan.

Real Programmers don't know anyone who has a secretary.

Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course they are the Chief Programmer.

Real Programmers don't like to fix bugs in code written by someone else.

Real Programmers don't like to share computer time with users.

Real programmers don't look stylish. To do so would indicate a belief in society.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the machine room.

Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don't really program anymore; they just cash their checks.

Real Programmers don't sleep. Their systems go temporarily down.

Real programmers don't use BASIC, at least past the age of twelve.

Real Programmers don't use lower case. Lower case is for (GOD FORBID) communicating with the real world.

Real Programmers don't use micros. If it weren't for mainframe delays there wouldn't be time to eat or use the restrooms.

Real Programmers don't use spreadsheets. They can get the same results faster and more efficiently with BASIC.

Real Programmers don't wear suits and ties. And if you see one with a new haircut, sell all your stock in the company he works for: even he's noticed it's going downhill so fast he's looking for another job.

Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.

Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, not a real program.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, BLISS, Ada or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for insecure anal retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don't write perfect code. Let's face it; if it weren't for the bugs, programming would be dull.

Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.

Real Programmers drink lots of coffee from styrofoam cups, but haven't bothered to figure out how to use the coffee maker.

Real Programmers hate on-line documentation and prefer reference cards, or better yet, logic flow.

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers have not written a letter in years. If you do not have a modem, they don't want to talk to you.

Real programmers have trouble suppressing homicidal tendencies when asked: 'Are you sure?'

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program.

Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Real Programmers love to talk "computer-eze" while ordinary citizens are listening.

Real Programmers must hear at least four rumors a day, else they become anemic and surly.

Real Programmers never "write" memos on paper. They "send" memos via EMAIL.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Real Programmers spend two hours balancing their checkbooks on a computer. Using a calculator and pen would require about ten minutes.

Real Programmers strive to insult users with error messages ("Invalid Code, You Twit -- Try Again?").

Real Programmers think "Human Factors" is a punk rock group.

Real Programmers think that War Games was a documentary film.

Real Programmers thought the word "Hack" was a stupid term before it became associated with criminals.

Real Programmers use the word "coffee" as a synonym for food.

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.

Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.